Guardians of the Galaxy

After Peter Quill’s mother dies of some terminal illness, he runs outside and is abducted by aliens (isn’t that aways the way?) Twenty-six years later, he’s stealing some orb from an alien planet, and is then hunted down by a genetically enhanced raccoon who like any good child in a Hollywood film is equipped with allegedly witty one-liners, and an animate tree called Groot. But he’s also targeted by some green-skinned alien babe, and in the course of all their sexy shenanigans, the police nick all of them and ship them off to some Awful Penal Colony (in Space)™.

You see, some blue-skinned bloke called RonVn (V = any vowel randomly inserted by Americans in unstressed syllables) hates peace treaties (probably because he’s some entitled knobhead). Thus, he wants this sphere because it contains an infinity stone which is utterly inimical to life so that he can destroy the planet Xylophone (or whatever it’s called; Glenn Close is running the place; or Mrs Doubtfire, but as Robin Williams is dead, I’ll stick with Glenn Close).

Our heroes try to prevent RonVn from getting the orb, but they’ll fail because The Big Book of Clichés in American Films says he has to get his hands on it, and in spite of it being very, very dangerous, he still has the power to incorporate it into his war hammer.

Of course, the same volume, which faithfully guides so many Hollywood films, also says that the heroes have to undo the villain’s nefarious plans and spank him into the middle of the Stone Age.

The exposition is a mess which, I’d assume, the comic explains in greater detail. Why did the aliens abduct the child? Why does the seriously evil blue-skinned villain have a problem with some peace treaty? Who’s the purple bloke on the throne made of rocks? Why does anyone care about this collection of clichés.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s another slick Marvel production aimed at Third-World audiences who like lots of CGI, explosions, and space battles, but it seems to be doing nothing new. Quill even turns out to be more special than he ever realised. How Harry Potter of him.

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