Act your age

Fast Five.

Notorious street racer, Dom, is on his way to prison on the bus.

“Now look,” the judge had said, “you’re a middle-aged man in a role for someone who’s at least fifteen to twenty years younger than you. You’ve got to stop making sequels; and that includes The Chronicles of Riddick. I have no choice but to send you to prison for a hundred years and confiscate your Oscar.”

“But I don’t have an Oscar.”

“I wonder why.” The judge banged his gavel and the police took the prisoner away.

Fortunately, the prison bus always travels along a long, empty stretch of road where it can be flipped so that Dom can escape.

Somehow, the gang end up on a train with some Brazilian bandits to steal some cars, but I wasn’t really paying much attention at this point. Anyway, after that, they end up in Brazil planning to nick the drug money of the local robber baron of Rio.

Meanwhile, Dwayne Dibbley, who ate insects in The Mummy II and got turned into Muiral the Misshapen [Worst mixed metaphor evah, –ed.], is after Dom.

Back in Brazil, the kids drive fast cars past cameras (“It’s just like being in a movie.”), but can’t drive fast enough, and then steal some police cars to have a drag race. (“Plot? What plot? Does this thing even have a plot?”) Their plan goes completely to pot and they have to come up with a new one.

Using Dwayne Dibbley’s armoured car (complete with thermos holder; yes, of course you knew he’d switch sides temporarily), they break into the police station and steal the Sheriff of Nottingham’s safe [Do you even know where Nottingham is? –ed.], which they then tow around the streets of Rio behind two cars and smash a lot of stuff before Dom has a showdown with the Sheriff and his minion.

That involves throwing the safe at one car, which then launches Dom’s car like a guided missile at the Sheriff’s SUV. It’s only marginally more plausible than that scene in Die Hard IV when the car, instead of just crashing into the pontoon, gets shot off like a missile at the helicopter.

Anyway, they all live happily ever after.

The End.


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