What’s long and dull, and comes out of a DVD player?

The Dark Knight.

You really want Batman to kill The Joker not because you want to see him descend to The Joker’s level of depravity, but because you don’t want to listen to another minute of the villain’s inane prattling and tiresomely cunning plots. Does Heath Ledger deserve a posthumous gong for his performance? No. The Joker is a one-dimensional character with which Ledger does a decent enough job, but I didn’t feel that he was a com­mand­ing presence as I’ve seen claimed. There’s nothing about the character which leaves the audience thinking anything about him apart from, “Shut up, you tedious, self-satisfied windbag”.

The film goes on and on and on. I’m sure that if I analysed the plot I’d find that this was little more than a few episodes of Batman on the telly. I’m sure there was a chain of cause and effect throughout the whole movie, but it was a chain lacking cohesion. The film should’ve focused on one thing with a neatly integrated subplot. Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Batman is on the trail of money launderers. At the end, The Joker pops up and says, “It was me all along!” You know there’s going to be a sequel. Running time: 90 minutes.
  2. When the Good Guys go bad. The DA of Gotham City, widely suspected of being Batman, becomes the Sunday league supervillain, Arse-face, after some tragic event makes his face look like an arse. He blames Batman. There’s a hostage situation and a big fight at the end, and no threat of a sequel because Arse-face is obliterated by lasers, acid, flame throwers, and a cheese grater. Running time: 90 minutes.
  3. The Joker is threatening to kill some people unless Batman reveals his true identity. In true supervillain fashion, there’s much procrastination, thus allowing Batman to save the day. Since this is only about a 30 minute episode, there could be some sub-plot about Batman and a mysterious hot babe who, it turns out, is Catwoman. Miao! Run up the sequel flag. Running time: 90 minutes.
  4. Vampire Batman. Yup, Batman’s been turned into a vampire, but he still fights crime by draining villains of their blood. The Joker Vampire is ticked off because Batman’s eating all the snacks. They have a big fight and the inevitable happens. Yeah, that’s right – they share. Running time: 90 minutes.[1]
  5. Batman vs. Hello Kitty. Can the Caped Crusader endure all that über-saccharine cuteness? What’s the bet Catwoman’s behind it. ‘Nother sequel in the offing, methinks. Running time: 90 minutes.

Some lean cuisine viewing there, unlike the lard-heavy offering I watched.

Overall, The Dark Knight is a flabby, tedious ramble; and to be honest, classic Joker is much better than this weird, mutilated interpretation of the character.

Notes
1. This one’s kind of already been done.
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