I thought they stopped making these in the 70s

Snakes on a Plane.

I spotted the DVD of Snakes on a Plane in the DVD shop in town just recently and grabbed it out of curiosity. I wanted to find out whether the film was as bad as the title suggested. It was. It was sort of like Airport 75 with snakes, being one of those films where if something can get worse at a stupid moment, it will. When everyone’s told to go upstairs, what happens to the banisters? They collapse.

All right, so the plot is that some guy has seen a Korean gangster murder a public prosecutor. Our gangster has his minions track him down, but out of nowhere, Samuel Jackson arrives and saves the day. The witness has to be taken to the mainland (they’re in Hawaii). Somehow, airport security in Hawaii is rather slack, and a bunch of poisonous snakes is smuggled onto a plane. Their mission is to take down the witness or cause the plane to crash.

The characters were all the clichés you’d expect in a 70s disaster movie, and you weren’t disappointed. The captain gets killed; the co-pilot gets bitten as well, but survives (where was the navigator?) for a while before succumbing. There was the horny young couple – she gets bitten on her boob; the vacuous socialite whose dog (allowed on as cabin baggage – huh?) ends up as snake food; the guy who goes to the loo and gets bitten on the todger; the ageing stewardess who dies tragically after rescuing a baby.

This is one seriously stupid film that’s about thirty years out of date. Who was dumb enough to think it worth putting up the money for this dreadful pile of poo? Why have I written so many words about it? Where’s the DVD now? In the rubbish where it belongs.

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